Dear Sweet Connor, Love Mom {2}

October 26, 2011

Dear Connor,

Happy 1st Birthday! This past year has been, by far the very best year of my life. From the moment you were born I became a better person. A better person for you, for me, for your Dad – our family. You make me the person I want to be and I truly can’t believe I have been your Mom for a whole year now! How this day is here already, I don’t know. When you become a parent, everyone tells you about how quickly time flies and I think it is all catching up with me…. you just don’t see it flying by during the daily grind of life…

While we were playing blocks today I broke down and sobbed. I cried and cried and put my head down on your lap. I wanted to be close. You leaned down put your head on mine and then pulled my hair…. just what I would expect!

You have no idea the relevance of this day and frankly, I’m quite surprised I feel the way I do. Leading up to this day I certainly didn’t think I would be sobbing in your lap. It’s a mix of emotions that only another Mother could relate to. I can’t quite explain the excitement and pride I feel watching you grow, thrive and become more independent. Watching you become you. But also can’t explain the feeling of sadness knowing I’ll never have you as a squishy newborn in my arms again. I guess it’s just human nature – feeling sadness over time you know you cannot get back. It’s overwhelming, on both ends of the spectrum. One day, if you choose to have children, you’ll understand this. Parenting is a giant scramble of emotions, changing daily.

But I’ll have to say the 3 of us have had a pretty successful first year together! You continue to be the low key, calm-natured boy you exhibited from the day you were born. You sleep and play like a champ still. You are truly a happy boy, simply put. You are crawling and talking so much. You are on the verge of obsession over balls. It is all you want to play with these days. “BAH, BAH, BAH” you say. Your Dad couldn’t be happier. I’m sure he’ll be encouraging you to say “ba-sket-ball” soon. You love saying “diddle diddle diddle” It’s the funniest thing. Your Dad and I find ourselves saying it constantly. It must be ingrained in our mind.

As for your birthday celebrations, we had a relaxing day. We played, watched your birth video over and over again, sobbed some more and then Dad came home around lunch time. We baked your birthday cake – a yummy, healthy carrot cake with a ricotta cheese and honey frosting from scratch, set you up outside to go at it and that was that. Simple and memorable.

Although my emotions are plentiful, I am  excited to see what this next year brings us for I know it will be a BIG year of change. From one to two years of age kids grow and change so much that I am increasingly more interested as the days pass to see how your sweet, quiet personality develops.

We love you to the moon and back,

Connor. Happy first birthday!

I love you,

Mommy

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Do you want to read more of my personal entries to Connor?  If these mushy thoughts of mine are your kind of thing check why I write to Connor, my first published journal post to him and the day that changed my life – the day I found out I was pregnant!